Dilemma

[ScarletHayes]

The greatest pep talk that applies to all men.  Yeah, yeah it was a TV show, but it still applies.

[Soupcity Kid]

Look if the fella was a stand up guy who was good to her and as divorced adults he and I seen eye to eye I would accept it.  If she sincerely feels he is an important part of her life and her development, I respect that.  I would accept.

Now if she was doing it and I felt (yes my feelings) this guy was part of why we got divorced or he undermined me and she is just doing it for show.  I likely would attend and leave.

Look at it another way also.  If the dad was a louse (no way I am saying that of the op) and felt he should get the honors when the step dad did the real work, what would you say?  I would support stepdad.

[K9Buck]

We obviously don't know all the details. If the step-father is truly a heinous man, then the father could sit down and calmly explain the step-father's transgressions and then, perhaps, the daughter would change her mind. It sounds like the daughter loves both and wants to include both.

[Hightop77]

Sounds like there was an assumption about the relationship that might not have been valid.  Now that has been made clearer.  It is pointless to fight for something that is not what you thought it was.  Going forward you make the adjustment and accept it for what it is.  You adjust your emotions and your will accordingly.  Life is tough.

[Soupcity Kid]

I will take this in a different area and it is how I operate.  Right or wrong others can judge but again it is my instincts.

As I mentioned I live in a very culturally diverse community.  My sons are friends with a couple African American friends each and a couple white kids.  I coached 4 of the 6.   Sadly only 2 had active fathers in their lives.  While coaching them and my kids, I was all business.  All year long I fed the kids, gave them a place to hang out. took them out to dinner etc.  Favorite time was their games were Friday nights and on Saturday I would host for my friends and my kids friends (actually my daughter and her friends also) Saturday college game day.  If we wanted pizza I buy 10 pizzas, if it was chilli dogs I am buying 40 of them.  Many times I cooked on the spit and had chickens, beef and at times a couple briskets.

The kids appreciated it.  All called me coach but specially in the off season 4 of 6 would call me dad.  It bothered me.  I told them each individually, "I am flattered you think of me that way but if I do not respond it is because I do not want to disrespect your dad.  I would add, " I know you may have issues with your dad but one day you may reconcile with them and I also would never want to be perceived as a threat by them"  I again expressed my gratitude as they showed appreciation of our relationship.

I know it has nothing to do with the wedding but it fits in to be in that situation.  BTW I would not change a minute of it.

[ChinaBuck]

I will take this in a different area and it is how I operate.  Right or wrong others can judge but again it is my instincts.

As I mentioned I live in a very culturally diverse community.  My sons are friends with a couple African American friends each and a couple white kids.  I coached 4 of the 6.   Sadly only 2 had active fathers in their lives.  While coaching them and my kids, I was all business.  All year long I fed the kids, gave them a place to hang out. took them out to dinner etc.  Favorite time was their games were Friday nights and on Saturday I would host for my friends and my kids friends (actually my daughter and her friends also) Saturday college game day.  If we wanted pizza I buy 10 pizzas, if it was chilli dogs I am buying 40 of them.  Many times I cooked on the spit and had chickens, beef and at times a couple briskets.

The kids appreciated it.  All called me coach but specially in the off season 4 of 6 would call me dad.  It bothered me.  I told them each individually, "I am flattered you think of me that way but if I do not respond it is because I do not want to disrespect your dad.  I would add, " I know you may have issues with your dad but one day you may reconcile with them and I also would never want to be perceived as a threat by them"  I again expressed my gratitude as they showed appreciation of our relationship.

I know it has nothing to do with the wedding but it fits in to be in that situation.  BTW I would not change a minute of it.

These are good points. You never know how you impacted someoneâ€s life. Maybe stepdad was just OK as a stepdad, but just happened to be in the right spot and had the right advice when stepdaughter really needed it. 
As to Soupcityâ€s comment, we moved when my son was 8 and he had to find new friends. Same thing happened to me at 8. So, we chose to be the neighborhood hangout for kids. We also had the yard for it. We would always have food and drinks. They are all still good friends. But more importantly, I know we impacted a couple of kids. One without a father and one “wonderful” family that the parents were absent in the lives of their kids. 
So if this makes me a “cuck” for trying to be more open-minded, so be it. Iâ€d rather err on the side of her happiness than not.

[lrrps21]

I will take this in a different area and it is how I operate.  Right or wrong others can judge but again it is my instincts.

As I mentioned I live in a very culturally diverse community.  My sons are friends with a couple African American friends each and a couple white kids.  I coached 4 of the 6.   Sadly only 2 had active fathers in their lives.  While coaching them and my kids, I was all business.  All year long I fed the kids, gave them a place to hang out. took them out to dinner etc.  Favorite time was their games were Friday nights and on Saturday I would host for my friends and my kids friends (actually my daughter and her friends also) Saturday college game day.  If we wanted pizza I buy 10 pizzas, if it was chilli dogs I am buying 40 of them.  Many times I cooked on the spit and had chickens, beef and at times a couple briskets.

The kids appreciated it.  All called me coach but specially in the off season 4 of 6 would call me dad.  It bothered me.  I told them each individually, "I am flattered you think of me that way but if I do not respond it is because I do not want to disrespect your dad.  I would add, " I know you may have issues with your dad but one day you may reconcile with them and I also would never want to be perceived as a threat by them"  I again expressed my gratitude as they showed appreciation of our relationship.

I know it has nothing to do with the wedding but it fits in to be in that situation.  BTW I would not change a minute of it.

You sound like a cool dude. I agree with the not wanting to be called dad part. The young lady I rescued, and we now sponsor, started calling me the equivalent of father in Thai. I sat her down and explained I'm not your father. I compromised and accept her calling me uncle.

[Soupcity Kid]

I will take this in a different area and it is how I operate.  Right or wrong others can judge but again it is my instincts.

As I mentioned I live in a very culturally diverse community.  My sons are friends with a couple African American friends each and a couple white kids.  I coached 4 of the 6.   Sadly only 2 had active fathers in their lives.  While coaching them and my kids, I was all business.  All year long I fed the kids, gave them a place to hang out. took them out to dinner etc.  Favorite time was their games were Friday nights and on Saturday I would host for my friends and my kids friends (actually my daughter and her friends also) Saturday college game day.  If we wanted pizza I buy 10 pizzas, if it was chilli dogs I am buying 40 of them.  Many times I cooked on the spit and had chickens, beef and at times a couple briskets.

The kids appreciated it.  All called me coach but specially in the off season 4 of 6 would call me dad.  It bothered me.  I told them each individually, "I am flattered you think of me that way but if I do not respond it is because I do not want to disrespect your dad.  I would add, " I know you may have issues with your dad but one day you may reconcile with them and I also would never want to be perceived as a threat by them"  I again expressed my gratitude as they showed appreciation of our relationship.

I know it has nothing to do with the wedding but it fits in to be in that situation.  BTW I would not change a minute of it.

You sound like a cool dude. I agree with the not wanting to be called dad part. The young lady I rescued, and we now sponsor, started calling me the equivalent of father in Thai. I sat her down and explained I'm not your father. I compromised and accept her calling me uncle.

Thank you, I appreciate that.  Also kudos to you for sponsoring the young lady.

[davebucknut]

It wouldn't bother me. I think.

Of course not. Cyborgs don't have feelings

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk

[Soupcity Kid]

I will take this in a different area and it is how I operate.  Right or wrong others can judge but again it is my instincts.

As I mentioned I live in a very culturally diverse community.  My sons are friends with a couple African American friends each and a couple white kids.  I coached 4 of the 6.   Sadly only 2 had active fathers in their lives.  While coaching them and my kids, I was all business.  All year long I fed the kids, gave them a place to hang out. took them out to dinner etc.  Favorite time was their games were Friday nights and on Saturday I would host for my friends and my kids friends (actually my daughter and her friends also) Saturday college game day.  If we wanted pizza I buy 10 pizzas, if it was chilli dogs I am buying 40 of them.  Many times I cooked on the spit and had chickens, beef and at times a couple briskets.

The kids appreciated it.  All called me coach but specially in the off season 4 of 6 would call me dad.  It bothered me.  I told them each individually, "I am flattered you think of me that way but if I do not respond it is because I do not want to disrespect your dad.  I would add, " I know you may have issues with your dad but one day you may reconcile with them and I also would never want to be perceived as a threat by them"  I again expressed my gratitude as they showed appreciation of our relationship.

I know it has nothing to do with the wedding but it fits in to be in that situation.  BTW I would not change a minute of it.

These are good points. You never know how you impacted someoneâ€s life. Maybe stepdad was just OK as a stepdad, but just happened to be in the right spot and had the right advice when stepdaughter really needed it. 
As to Soupcityâ€s comment, we moved when my son was 8 and he had to find new friends. Same thing happened to me at 8. So, we chose to be the neighborhood hangout for kids. We also had the yard for it. We would always have food and drinks. They are all still good friends. But more importantly, I know we impacted a couple of kids. One without a father and one “wonderful” family that the parents were absent in the lives of their kids. 
So if this makes me a “cuck” for trying to be more open-minded, so be it. Iâ€d rather err on the side of her happiness than not.

Bravo to you sir.  Yes I hope it was a positive impact all I can say is tried to do the right thing.  I will say they all new my stance on underage drinking around me and knew I could not have that.  At 21 I had beer with them.  They actually brought beer over to have their legal one with me.  The other area is they all know my stance on drugs I mean I would not let them even joke about drugs.  Now weed was different as I knew they would do it but I would not discuss anything beyond that.

I never apologized for being conservative and I respected the battles they had.  Proud to say 5 of the 6 are in successful careers and the 6th is a stud who works at where the girls are (they love this dude).He is like "not ready to grow up yet coach"  lol.

[Soupcity Kid]

Sounds like there was an assumption about the relationship that might not have been valid.  Now that has been made clearer.  It is pointless to fight for something that is not what you thought it was.  Going forward you make the adjustment and accept it for what it is.  You adjust your emotions and your will accordingly.  Life is tough.

My answers was based on a generality.   Yeah I had no assumptions but answered based on if I were in that situation.  I do not know the op's situation I was answering strictly based on IF it were a couple scenarios.

[ChinaBuck]

I will take this in a different area and it is how I operate.  Right or wrong others can judge but again it is my instincts.

As I mentioned I live in a very culturally diverse community.  My sons are friends with a couple African American friends each and a couple white kids.  I coached 4 of the 6.   Sadly only 2 had active fathers in their lives.  While coaching them and my kids, I was all business.  All year long I fed the kids, gave them a place to hang out. took them out to dinner etc.  Favorite time was their games were Friday nights and on Saturday I would host for my friends and my kids friends (actually my daughter and her friends also) Saturday college game day.  If we wanted pizza I buy 10 pizzas, if it was chilli dogs I am buying 40 of them.  Many times I cooked on the spit and had chickens, beef and at times a couple briskets.

The kids appreciated it.  All called me coach but specially in the off season 4 of 6 would call me dad.  It bothered me.  I told them each individually, "I am flattered you think of me that way but if I do not respond it is because I do not want to disrespect your dad.  I would add, " I know you may have issues with your dad but one day you may reconcile with them and I also would never want to be perceived as a threat by them"  I again expressed my gratitude as they showed appreciation of our relationship.

I know it has nothing to do with the wedding but it fits in to be in that situation.  BTW I would not change a minute of it.

These are good points. You never know how you impacted someoneâ€s life. Maybe stepdad was just OK as a stepdad, but just happened to be in the right spot and had the right advice when stepdaughter really needed it. 
As to Soupcityâ€s comment, we moved when my son was 8 and he had to find new friends. Same thing happened to me at 8. So, we chose to be the neighborhood hangout for kids. We also had the yard for it. We would always have food and drinks. They are all still good friends. But more importantly, I know we impacted a couple of kids. One without a father and one “wonderful” family that the parents were absent in the lives of their kids. 
So if this makes me a “cuck” for trying to be more open-minded, so be it. Iâ€d rather err on the side of her happiness than not.

Bravo to you sir.  Yes I hope it was a positive impact all I can say is tried to do the right thing.  I will say they all new my stance on underage drinking around me and knew I could not have that.  At 21 I had beer with them.  They actually brought beer over to have their legal one with me.  The other area is they all know my stance on drugs I mean I would not let them even joke about drugs.  Now weed was different as I knew they would do it but I would not discuss anything beyond that.

I never apologized for being conservative and I respected the battles they had.  Proud to say 5 of the 6 are in successful careers and the 6th is a stud who works at where the girls are (they love this dude).He is like "not ready to grow up yet coach"  lol.

Same, absolutely no drugs or alcohol. We had a basement rec room with a computer, big screen TV and Xbox. I didnâ€t care how loud they got, just donâ€t break anything, or each other. They had to announce to me or my ex their arrival and departure. And if they didnâ€t, I called them out on it. I was the coach for about 2/3 of them at some point, so I knew their parents. Rules were rarely broken. 

Back closer to the point, I think BD has more to gain by walking the aisle with stepdad. Everyone at the wedding likely knows how stepdad intruded with mom years ago, but hey, hereâ€s stepdad being the bigger man in the end by jointly walking with the daughter at her wedding. 

Not quite the same, but I promised my son that despite the differences I had with his mother, no matter what crap she is likely to spout at his wedding, I will be a model of happiness and respect for all whenever he gets married.

[TakeThePoints]

I can't believe that I make $50 and hour working from home......

[Beastdog]

Can't tell her to forget it or get lost.   That won't work.    Father could do that but it would make it worse.  The father is in a bad way and almost has to accept it or blow up a big day.   Damn shame.

Yes, it's her wedding and you have to accept her wishes in this situation. After 17 years I would expect, assuming the man was a good man, that she feels like she does have two fathers.

He's a low life snake, if that matters at all. Pretty much anyone who would engage in an affair with the mother of three young children would qualify as this, yes?

Unless he was your best friend he didn't owe you anything, one and only one person broke their covenant with you. Now he certainly could be a low life snake anyway and could have been a horrible step father.

Not my best friend, but at the time, a decent friend, co-worker, and neighbor. We subpoenaed him during my divorce and when asked, under oath, whether he was f*cking my wife, the weasel took the 5th lol.

As one example of his great "step dad" influence on my daughter, when she was 15 or 16, I punished her (can't even remember what she had done) by taking away her cell phone for a couple of weeks. The response? Good ole step Dad (and my ex) get her a different phone, and....withheld her phone number from me. This actually persisted for a good 7-8 years. I think I was granted "privileges" maybe 3 years ago. Yeah, a great guy who clearly deserves equal billing with me on her wedding day. Not.

[Beastdog]

And I agree with those who say the primary person to blame here is my ex. But there's no upper limit of 1 villain per situation, right?